Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Breaking news:
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.