Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I can’t be the only one 😂
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.