Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!