That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Why is everyone getting married at me
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.