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@1BigMick: Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.
@ch000ch: CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can't figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
@DaddyJew: I haven't talked to a single member of my family since the great monopoly battle of '06. So yea, I know a thing or 2 about holding a grudge.
@TheBoydP: "I'm not drunk, I'm a zombie..."
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
@JoshKnightComic: Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.
@DannyZuker: My son's soccer coach just said, "You can't spell "triumph" without 'try,'" and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.