Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
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I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves