I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
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11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.