@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
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@weinerdog4life: If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
@rzarosco: Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions
@TheMichaelRock: Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We'll tell you about it in 2 days. - Local News