@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
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@ObscureGent: [1st date] Him: Do you like magic? Her: I LOVE MAGIC Him: klatu barada nikto! [Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground] Her: *Screams* Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
@tastefactory: 2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny 2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
@UncleDuke1969: Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me? Me: Yes. Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis? Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ Psychiatrist: Excuse me? Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
@TravLeBlanc: I'm a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I'm your man.