@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
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@drinksmcgee: Trainer: I don't think you're taking this workout seriously, bro Me: How dare you say that? T: Dude, you just cracked a beer Me: *takes sip*
@fro_vo: Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be Quarterback: i pass Roofer: i raise Telemarketer: i call Optometrist: i see Origami Artist: i fold
@VaguelyFunnyDan: (confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does "Single Ladies" dance)
@PORNOPINION: Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, "there's plenty more married men out there."