@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
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@BucMarvin: I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.
@gavinpivott: A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
@usermcuserface: I'm not a violent person, but I'd happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.
@internetluke: [at wine tasting] Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone. "Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine" Strong smokey undertone