Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
inventing words: clothing
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
is this how new cars are made??
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.