[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
kevin is now a local weatherman
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.