As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
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Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I’ve been drinking.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
cry laughing at this shit
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.