Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Worst Native American name ever.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.