very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
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[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me