@missekay: Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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@MableGertrude: If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.
@KeetPotato: [at dave's who has like 9 dogs] me: "what d'you call a fly with no wings" dave: "keith dont" me: "a WALK!" [drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
@KeetPotato: [kelloggs meeting] "okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?" a chicken "jim is there something wrong at home?"
@Twtercide: Him: Wtf is wrong with you? *remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos Me: I'm just really tired.