@missekay: Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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@girlontapas: One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food... Now, I can't find anything to eat in the fridge.
@Mr_Kapowski: [press session regarding increase in shark bites] Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area? Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water
@Qu4rtKn33: Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they're in for the rest of that day.
@Jennco_W: Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I'm opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.