Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
starting a garage orchestra
I love it all
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*