Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.