@JennyJohnsonHi5: Hey guys. Stop touching your wife's pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
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@nealbrennan: "Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?" "No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."
@ehdannyboy: I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
@NichollsTerence: I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you'll be seeing me on the 6 o'clock news.