Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…