Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Thoughts
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.