@shannon2703: Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.
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@TheMichaelRock: No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.
@ocourtneyno: When you accidentally type "me" instead of "my" I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.
@noog: If your kid's shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
@atthecubicle: Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.