I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
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I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Donkey Kong sommelier
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*