If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
You Might Also Like
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
We’ve all been there
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.