Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My neck, my back, my…
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding