Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..