@ndiquote: My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

@JohnHilsen: Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

@flashember: You've reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message. "Hi it's the library. The book 'How to Steal Library Books' is now 1 week over...UH OH"

@djdarrellripley: Me: HOLY SHIT! We've been robbed! Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police? Me: (Sigh) No, I'm calling the burglars to congratulate them..

@PRIDEofLOWELL: "I lost my Khakis" - a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.