I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
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Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
A classic…
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.