The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
how much for the angry fruit?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.