Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
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Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.