Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?