Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
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“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
*exercises sarcastically*
accurate
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.