Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
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I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.