Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
You Might Also Like
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I feel it
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin