There are 2 kinds of twitter.
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Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
it was a valiant fight
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
won’t smith
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions