Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.