Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
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Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.