Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.