@AristotlesNZ: Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I'm on the toilet
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@vikkaroni: Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I'm an alcoholic. Operator: Ma'am, this is AAA. Me: I know. I'm an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
@NurseMurderer: This earthquake was the first time that I've ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
@AceMakesWords: "Dad, we need to talk." "Alright." He grabs a chair and sits. "Dad, you-" He grabs yet another chair. "DAMMIT DAD YOU'RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS"
@Iwriteforcats: [Sunday] God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake. *walks up to Chick-fil-A* OH COME ON!!