INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
yeah not falling for this one
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy