The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.