If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming