Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
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When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I was bored.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”