Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.