Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Why am I like this?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”