Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register