Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
sigh
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?