Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.