HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
my sentiments exactly
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.