Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
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“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
What’s this sorcery? 😂
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.