hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
How dramatic are you?
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.