hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
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“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally