HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*