Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.