Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
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when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.