“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Whoa 😂
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes