Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
You Might Also Like
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.