Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you